Fan the Flame Read online

  “Bodies can talk.” He nipped at my lower lip and grinned when I gasped. My skin trembled as sparks ignited and swirled. “Besides, it’s impossible to remember what I was going to say when…” He groaned when I fisted the lazy spikes of his choppy, dark hair and tugged. The incubus rocked against me. The fire inside me flared hotter.

  “When what?” I asked, barely aware of what I was saying as I stared at his lips.

  “When I can finally see you again.”

  His words confused me, but I didn’t have time to ponder them before his lips crashed against mine. My thoughts washed away in the flood that was him. Ryder’s hands gripping my waist were the only things grounding me as I wound myself around him, pulling us impossibly closer. A waterfall of blood and heat rushed in my ears when he pulled away, adjusting the angle of our faces, our lips fitting like puzzle pieces. My pulse skipped when he shuddered against me.

  I reveled in the seemingly endless pull of magic he drew from my lips, enthralled in my own ability to give him the power he needed to survive.

  Panting, he dragged my hair back and my moan of protest transformed when he brushed butterfly kisses along my jaw. “For weeks I’ve searched for you,” he whispered, words so soft I wasn’t sure they were meant for my ears. My spine arched, my head tipping against the tree as I closed my eyes. “For weeks you’ve hidden. But now you’re back.”

  I curled my hands around the biceps bracketing me in. The light scent of cinnamon and smoke dusted the air around us. I encouraged him in closer, groaning when his teeth found the fluttering pulse in my neck. I gasped when he bit down softly. I wanted more. No, I needed more.

  “My glowstick is finally back.”

  His thumbs pressed against the hollow in my throat, his fingers fanning out on either side of my neck, and I froze. Everything luxurious and rich and wonderful inside me went cold at the touch. Somehow, someway, it felt so similar to the kiss of a blade against that very flesh. Flesh I’d healed with a thought. A face of cobwebs and hands of twigs flashed across my vision.

  “Get away,” I gasped, my hands twisting into claws as I lashed against him. The incubus immediately pulled back, golden eyes narrowed and face twisted with concern.

  I slid to the ground, curling around myself as I fought against a torrent of confusion and panic. That one touch had shattered my shock, and I was abruptly forced to confront the blinding reality that someone else had stripped away my control no longer than an hour ago. Not only that, but there was nothing I could do about it. My body was no longer completely own.

  The hurricane that was my understanding of that simple fact roared in my mind, rendering me deaf as I rocked back and forth, choking on harsh gasps.

  In my periphery, Ryder carefully lowered himself to my level.

  “Zara.” My name registered. The noun was spoken patiently as if it wasn’t the first time or even the twelfth time he had tried to get my attention.

  “Zara, what happened?”

  Slowly, I lifted my head, scrubbing at the brittle ice beneath my cheeks. The incubus crouched maybe twenty feet away, his body coiled and prepared to spring as he scanned the forest.

  “That can’t happen again,” I said. My throat felt raw as if I’d been screaming.

  “What can’t happen again?” His careful words, the softness woven through them, infuriated me. The last thing I needed from him right now was his concern and his pity.

  “This.” I waved a hand uselessly between us. “Us. There is no us. There can’t be.”

  “Why not?” He settled back on his heels and steepled his hands beneath his chin.

  “Because I’m not the girl you met at the club, Ryder.” I stood, searching for the words that would push him away, keep him from delving deeper, to prevent him from figuring out how scarred and confused and broken I truly was. I couldn’t stand to face his revulsion when he uncovered the real me.

  “That girl, she’s gone. Your glowstick isn’t coming back.” I threw his words at him, wanting to make him hurt without really understanding why. “I can’t be anything special to you, because I’m not.”

  “I think that’s for me to decide.” His tone was gravelly, yet restrained. “Why don’t you tell me what happened here, instead? Because that?” He pointed at the base of the birch where I’d fallen to pieces. “That wasn’t ok. You’re not ok.” I wanted to sob and scream in equal measure, but I squared my shoulders instead. “Something I did caused that. I want to know what, because I never want to cause you that kind of pain ever again.”

  It took me a few tries to find my voice. It was so tempting to cave in, to lean on someone else for once, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t sure who I was anymore—even without the issue of Kaleal to contend with.

  “Leave me alone, Ryder,” I said, the words stiff. “Forget that ever happened.”

  “Don’t you dare insult me by saying that.” The skin on his face thinned, revealing the hint of blackness that was the demon he kept tightly restrained. He seemed to catch himself as he made to advance on me, his fingers curling into his palms. “As if I’d ever forget causing pain to the one girl who makes me feel something real for the first time in decades.”

  He sucked in air but cut me off before I could fire off a retort.

  “I know what you’re doing. I know that you’re pushing people away. I know that you’re trying to bury the girl you used to be, trying to destroy her joy and vibrancy because you don’t think you deserve to be her anymore.” He reached out like he wanted to shake me, but pulled back again with a grimace.

  “You’ve been hit hard. You’ve been knocked down. You’ve lost people you never thought you could lose—in some of the worst ways imaginable.” His eyes softened and I hunched against it, hating how transparent I was to him. “And I understand that—we understand that. All of us, your friends. We really do. But, Zara, you can suffer and grieve and change, and still be that girl. You are my glowstick.”

  I flinched at his term of endearment, craving it despite having tossed it at him like a piece of cheap confetti.

  “I see through this person you’re pretending to be, this numb creature that you’ve allowed to reside in your skin. I wasn’t joking when I said that I see you shining through. You are ready to let her out, whether you realize it or not.” He straightened to his full height. “I won’t push you any harder tonight, because Gods I can’t stand to hurt you again. But be prepared, because tomorrow I’m coming for you.”

  Chapter 4

  “So you spit in his cheerios, huh?” Joseph asked.

  I stopped sawing at the lemon-pepper chicken breast. “Is that something people say?”

  “I’m attempting colloquialisms.” The God of Air slid onto the bench beside me. He held bowl in one hand and a single shortbread cookie in the other. “I take it I forayed too far?”

  “You forayed something, that’s for sure.” I dropped my utensils with a clatter, giving up on eating entirely. As delicious as the rosemary red potatoes, grilled chicken, and garlicky green beans smelled, my appetite had vaporized with Ryder’s retreating back. I shoved the mess of food an arms-length away and twisted to straddle the bench. “Who are you talking about anyway?”

  “That intense, brooding cluster of shadows over there.” He cracked his cookie in half and waved one piece vaguely in the direction of the massive bonfire. “If I’m correct, and you know I am, Ryder’s in a snit because of something you did or said.”

  I squinted over the flickering flames until I found the incubus leaning against the wall of the main cabin that housed the kitchen and dining hall. His arms were crossed, his face turned in my direction. Tension practically tinted the air black around him.

  “I may know something of it,” I said.

  Joseph snorted and shoved the remainder of the cookie in his face. He wiped crumbs from the front of his white t-shirt. “I figured parties weren’t your scene, but you seem glum even for you.” He snared a potato, sniffed it, and slipped it between
his straight, white teeth. “Penny for your thoughts?”

  I pulled a finger gun at him. “Now that one I do know.”

  He returned a grin that didn’t match his dark, probing eyes. My fellow God was a brand of intensity to which I wasn’t accustomed. He approached life like a science project: logical and understandable once dissected and cataloged. I attributed it to his isolated upbringing.

  Joseph was about four years older than me, a peculiarity among Gods who were typically born at the same time. However, the Order had killed the original child meant to be the new God of Air, and that had left the element running hot and free, searching for the perfect conduit. For some reason, the element found what it sought in a small boy crouching beside a totem pole as his grandfather carefully chiseled the sharp beak of the Thunderbird that would top it.

  It struck Joseph with a bolt of lightning, fusing its energy to his very blood, simultaneously killing his grandfather in the blast. Joseph’s grandmother recognized the brand on his arm—a gust of wind with an arrow beneath it—and took great pains to hide him from civilization.

  She feared the reaction of both the other people in their town and the wrath of the Order if she was found harboring an illegal God. So his family kept him tucked away at a nearby camp that had formerly been used for Boy Scout retreats. They raised him in secret, keeping him entertained with a steady diet of books.

  The camp where he’d spent the majority of his life was the same camp that harbored us now.

  I shoved some hair behind my ear and leaned on my elbow. “Can we set aside the whole Ryder thing for a minute?”

  “Gladly.” He eyed my mostly uneaten plate of food, then crammed some vegetables into his mouth. “As long as you say something, I don’t particularly care what it is.”

  “I have reservations about leaving.”

  “So do I,” he said around some beans. “I think nearly everyone here does.”

  “The Order is going to come for us.” I drank some water. The pixies were attempting some kind of synchronized dance beside the fire where the radio blared alternative rock, but every time they got into position, one of them would collapse on the ground in a fit of drunken hysterics. Ever the leader, Rose would pull the offending fey to her feet and start the whole fiasco over again. “I’m pretty sure it wants us dead, even without Geoffrey at the helm. Whatever happens, it will get bloody.”

  “So let them come,” Joseph said. “I’d rather deal with them head-on than continue this waiting game. I’ve been waiting for them my entire life. The Thunderbird promised to watch my family here, so I have very little to lose by leaving.”

  “Yeah.” I plucked at a string dangling from my sleeve. His straightforward sentiments struck me somewhere deep. I was running low on people who cared about me, people I’d give anything to protect. In fact, everyone I had left was in this clearing. Nearly everyone, I amended, scanning the dozen or so members of Joseph’s family for a familiar lanky figure. My stomach twisted when I couldn’t find Finn.

  “Listen.” Joseph’s hard tone drew my attention. The smooth planes of his face settled into stubborn lines as he clasped my hand between his. He and Rose were the only ones who touched me anymore. Well, and apparently Ryder. “Whatever happens is meant to happen. All we can do is deal with it as best we can. And let me tell you, there isn’t a more well-equipped bunch of rag-tag heroes out there.”

  He spun a small tornado on his empty plate as if that proved something.

  “I might not know what the rest of the world looks like, but I’m the best Jeopardy contestant who never played.” He settled back on the bench. “Rose is the nastiest blend of anger and spice I’ve ever seen. Her war-party over there is ready to drink the blood of their enemies.

  “Finn—” Joseph’s head angled when I opened my mouth. I dutifully closed it. “Finn is a crackerjack box of strategy and tactics. I’ve talked to him. I’d put money on that. Ryder, the ritzy entrepreneur he is, has connections that would scare even the most heavily armed mob boss. Not to mention, he’s dangerously protective of anything to do with you.

  “And you—” He jabbed my sternum and I rubbed the ache away. “You are the biggest surprise of all. You, Zara, God of Water, you can achieve almost anything you put your mind to.”

  His tongue traced his lower lip, eyes lowered and unfocused as he gathered his thoughts. “Geoffrey wanted you dead because he knew that you were capable of changing the world. How about we prove him right?”

  My heart swelled two sizes in my chest. Sunshine rays that felt a little like hope filtered through my ribs. In a move reminiscent of the girl I’d proclaimed dead a half hour ago, I threw myself at Joseph, wrapping him up in an octopus hug. A rumble of laughter shook his chest when I gave no indication of letting go. His broad hand spanned my back, shoulder blade to shoulder blade.

  “Thank you,” I whispered. “Who needs colloquialisms when you always say the right things, anyway?”

  Chapter 5

  Rose talked me into drinking one beer.

  Ok, maybe it was more like two.

  The alcohol combined with the lack of food loosened me up while simultaneously soothing the jagged edges of my pain. I told myself that was also the only reason I didn’t run screaming back to the fire when I found Finn sitting on the stoop outside my cabin.

  However, I did hover at the edge of the clearing, the toe of my right foot on the ground with the heel raised. Inhale. Exhale. Finn had been my touchstone from the beginning. My Great Beast, the Kraken, had ordered the kelpie to teach me about magic and guide me on my journey. In the week we’d spent together fighting off the Order and piecing together the mystery that was both my past and future, we’d become friends.

  Well, friends until he’d revealed a deep-seated secret about himself that had warped our easy dynamic. We’d barely looked at each other, let alone talked over these past few weeks, but I guessed that changed tonight. I advanced on Finn, sensing his relief even though nothing about his demeanor changed. His slender arms were spread wide, fingers curled around the lip of the top step. His shaggy, dark hair fanned across his forehead, green eyes glittering warily as he waited.

  I dropped beside him as far over on the step as I could be, leaving a good two feet of space between our bodies. I hugged my knees to my chest and rested my chin on one bony kneecap. Overhead, the blur of a bat squeaked sharply as it scouted for dinner. The weight of exhaustion settled on my shoulders as seconds of silence turned into minutes.

  “Hey,” Finn said, staring intently at the broken bough of an oak tree.

  “Four weeks of silence and that’s your opening line?” I snapped. Maybe my feelings weren’t so conflicted after all.

  “I have tried to talk to you. You’re the one who shuts me out.” Finn’s knuckles swished as he brushed them together. It reminded me of another illuminating conversation between us, where we’d perched on the side of a cliff, waves tugging at our toes. “I’ve also visited every night since we arrived. And every single night, a member of your horde of bodyguards chases me away. I guess they’re too hopped up on booze to worry for once.”

  I released my legs and extended them so the edges of the stairs dug into my jeans. I subconsciously scrubbed at the hollow of my throat, the same spot Ryder had so innocently brushed earlier.

  It was true. I had asked the pixies to keep my guardian away from our cabin. I’d tried to expel him from camp, but the incubus had put his foot down, declaring Finn a member of our team whether I wanted him there or not.

  Now that I could finally see beyond my own inner torment, I realized Ryder was right in keeping him with us. I still felt for Finn, even if I didn’t quite trust him anymore.

  “I needed time,” I said slowly. The kelpie’s metal bracelets jangled as he turned. “I wasn’t ready to deal with it. Any of it.” Gathering my strength, I faced him straight on, raising my inner shields high against the memories that threatened.

  “Finn, you confessed to betraying your entire temple
, to allowing the Order to sweep in and ransack the Palace of Oceans seventeen years ago. You said you failed to do your job, and that cost hundreds of people and fey their lives.” I was shouting, the words ripped from the bloody hole in my chest that he had caused. “You admitted that you ran away, rather than help save me, save the God that you swore to protect to your dying day.” I jabbed at the cresting wave that cut across his neck and underside of his jaw. He flinched, his body curling in on itself as his eyes rippled with pain, tenderly touching the mark as if it burned.

  But I wasn’t done.

  “You were my… I thought you were my friend,” I gasped. “I thought you were the one person I could count on when my world was falling down around me, and then you hit me with that sledgehammer right as we were heading into war. I didn’t have time to deal with any of that. Instead, I killed Geoffrey. I killed his second in command, and I destroyed dozens of soldiers.” My voice broke. “And I nearly died, too.”

  My hands were shaking again. I wanted to stop. I wanted to run, but I couldn’t. Not anymore. These were words that had gone too long unsaid, words crying to be let out. “I lost myself that day. I lost my grip on reality, on everything that made me, me. I’d lost too much, too fast: my parents, my best friend, my team, my home, my entire future. All of it. And then… I lost you, too.”

  My voice shook, barely higher than a whisper, as I finally faced the reality I’d denied.

  Finn grunted in pain.

  In a movement too fast for me to follow, he wrapped himself around me, his strong arms pulling me against him, my face tucked in his shoulder as he buried his nose in my hair. I slammed my hands against his chest and sides, fighting him, fighting what he’d done to me, what we’d done to each other, but he bore the brunt of it without protest.

  After what felt like hours, I finally stopped, my fingers curled in his shirt, drained. This time when I pushed against him, he pulled back, mossy eyes damp.